You’re a caterpillar. Born grow try to find yourself by sheltering in a cocoon. Still growing, fighting to be free. You crack break through, blossom into a beautiful butterfly, vibrant, striking, unique……free

A way not only to describe my life. But away to reflect on yours. Which place are you in. the growing caterpillar, the sheltered chamber finding yourself? Maybe feeling trapped or stuck. Not moving forward? Or the blossoming butterfly. Free. Knowing who you are. Feeling alive and on track. I was all three. Sometimes I still feel like I’m growing. Sometimes I still feel trapped. But most recently I’ve felt free and happy.

Moths however are a different kind of species

Sometimes they made me down. Giving me hope that I was going to be loved again. Creating new chapters, helping me write my very own fairytale. Scribbling away! But it didn’t even begin. They let their own fantasy take over and drowned mine. Ending it with sadness making me create the lonely cocoon. Feeling like id never move forward or fly again like id almost made a mistake with that phone call id made to the mobile….. But then I got hope.

Could it be to do with the smiles he put on my face. Making me feel wanted again after dying down from a refreshing piece of television. The dark slicked back hair, baggy pants, white slogand printed vest. That stubbled face them big brown eyes. The artwork he graces on his body. A night with Essex was a night to remember. The brother approved and so did polka dot. Having his art wrapped round me while he kissed my lips made me believe that there are good moths out there for the butterflies.

It’s crazy. Crazy to think how people mould you like a piece of clay. Walk in and out in and out of your life.

Creating your very own movie. A book. Painting more colors on the plain delicate wings.

Wanting to read the next chapter hoping for a happy ending. But when does it end. Or does it.

It makes no sense but is it supposed to?

People still don’t understand how a moth could love a butterfly.

Still trying to put you into a box that doesn’t reflect who you are because of what you’re packing.

They fall for the person because of who she is not what she is. They look past the label and look at you for you.

I’m not gay because I live as women and I love men. There not gay because they don’t see me as a man. But some people still don’t understand how the moth could love the butterfly. I guess because they don’t want to understand makes me feel that I don’t want to know that they don’t understand.

Still no sense?

But it does make sense when you think carefully…..

It’s something different. So many questions but are they to be answered.

My life has been so crazy and manic that I guess this column is a reflection of that.

a butterfly just trying to carry on growing and be free without having the cocoon try to draw her back in and take her to the dark lonely place she once struggled to get out of.

I don’t know where the wings will take me. But I’m sure excited to see where I land.

Maybe the Essex can put the colour back on my wings. Or maybe another moth will fly by.

Is it love that I’m after or is it just a way to keep going? A way to feel wanted again. Knowing how your wings attract the moth.

It was easy to get over the mobile. Touring made my mind get over it, getting drunk and partying the night away while dancing crazy to hold it against me. Music blaring, tiny dress, lotsa tan life couldn’t have been better. It was such a crazy time. Getting to meet so many wonderful and diverse people. Hearing how you have helped them in ways you could have only dreamed of. But then once it stopped and id made the decision to leave the garden it became harder to forget about the mobile.

But knowing the place I was in made me realize that I can’t go back there. Tattle tailing on the mobile made others see me as attention seeking, fame hungry and stuck up. Yet the butterfly was just doing what she felt was right at the time.

It was sad to see people switch on me. Referring to me as stuck up and fame hungry. I guess people like to knock you down. Rip off your wings. I’ve made mistakes I must admit. Leaving the garden wasn’t one of them. That was for me to get my sanity back and get back to reality.

People make mistakes and they learn from them. But in order to learn from them you have to make them.

If only the other insects could see the work the butterfly was doing behind the window.

Visiting the king Edwards’s school in Sheffield. Teaching 9 lessons on Tran’s issues. It’s weird how schools are still behind on Tran’s issues. It was nice to be open to the students. Yes rather personal at some points but knowing that its helping them understand makes it worthwhile. People don’t like the unquestionable. They have to place you in a little box. And if they can’t place you in one they will make one for you. No one stops to think that maybe you just don’t fit into any box. That’s one thing I guess people don’t see when they follow me on twitter and read my status updates on face book. The work that I’ve done to help the education system. As well as helping others. Visiting youth groups. This is hardly the work of someone who craves to be famous but even if she was would it be a bad thing?!

The biggest change in my life is my job at illamasqua Leeds. The people I get to meet as well as changing their confidence and making them feel even more beautiful is a reward in itself. Yes I look forward to getting a wage slip at the end of each month. But the feeling you get when you know you have done something life changing for someone is just a feeling I would never change.  That’s why I wanted to get into makeup. Because I know that it helps me pass well as a woman and god knows what it can do to others.

I try to look to the past and it’s hard to think how I used to be.

I guess the next stage in my life is to focus on myself for once. What is it the butterfly has to do in order to be happy?

Find a moth to love her, add more colour to her wings or even changing them so she looks like a better version of herself. Or growing within a business to gain the knowledge to create her own……

All I can say now is 2013 could be the 2nd drama of the life you once saw in November.

Are you going to be there by the time it unfolds

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