Right people, third column now and I wanted to take you on a journey through my life and hopefully let you see what has made me who I am today and to help you understand more why I have made the decisions I have made so far. I thought what a better place to start then from the beginning and my childhood, all the things that I went through loved and hated about being different but not knowing why.

Growing up was a struggle when it came to school. Playschool, Junior School and High School were all a nightmare, no matter where I lived I always seemed to get bullied and picked on.

Gay Boy, Puff, Faggot are words that come to mind when it comes to the so called best years of your life. I guess when you’re constantly having the piss taken out of you on a day to day basis then it kind of clicks on that something is wrong. However never in a million years would I have guessed my life would turn out the way it has.

I never used to think much of it other than I wanted to look like all the other girls in the playground and do what they did.

My family new something was different about me, but no one in my family ever judged or said my behaviour wasn’t normal although to me of course it has always been normal.

They knew I wouldn’t play with any boy’s toys because I didn’t understand why I had to play with them they never interested me in the slightest. I wanted to play with Barbie’s, my little pony, and mess around with my sister’s makeup and play dress up.

I was happy and felt more comfortable with myself. My family might have thought it was just a phase and to go with the flow and let me play with girls toys for the time being.  As I got older they probably became more aware of my behaviour and the fact that I was different to all the other boys but never spoke about it as they just wanted me to be happy.

Every Christmas I got girls toys and used to swap with my sister sally if there was anything remotely boyish given to me. I remember one year I really wanted the ‘Beauty and the Beast’ Belle doll, I remember you could change her outfit to either the blue dress she wore in the movie or to the yellow gold dress she wore while dancing. She was so beautiful I used to carry her everywhere as well as my clown teddy that never left my side. My dad really didn’t want to get me the doll and insisted on getting me the terminator action figure. So he got both for me and my sister sally and we ended up swapping them over, how sweet of her!

There was always at least one present that my dad tried to force onto me. I remember a monster truck he got me, he was more excited about it than me. When it came to Christmas it ended up being pushed to the side and left, if it had been a bright pink monster truck then I probably would have taken more notice. I think it eventually got in my dads head that toys like that would have just been a waste of money. He wasn’t keen on the idea of buying me Barbie dolls like he would for my two older sister’s Sally and Sarah. He did eventually start buying me the female action figures such as Catwoman, Poison ivy and the Pink Power Ranger thou so I guess for him it was a comfortable compromise to the situation and a win for the both of us. He new he made me happy in buying me toys like this compared to the typical monster trucks and train sets other boys would usually want and get.

As a kid I used to love drawing. It was one of my biggest passions back then and still is today although I never have patience anymore to sit down and draw for hours on end. I was obsessed with drawing Jessica Rabbit I have no idea why, I think it’s because I used to want to be her. To me she was the perfect woman tall, red hair and an amazing body plus great clothes. I used to just watch ‘Who framed Roger Rabbit’ over and over again and always rewinding the film to see her scenes. The song she sings will always be a song I will never forgot.

I’ve always liked powerful, strong and sexy women I guess it’s because that’s how I’d love to be. Catwoman, Jessica Rabbit they were all strong and sexy all women wanted to be them. And I dare say most men wanted to be with them.

All my friends at school were girls and I got bullied to the point of crying nearly every single day when going home from school. In primary school in Aldershot were I was born the teachers used to try and stop me from playing with the other girls and wouldn’t let me play with the little dress up area they had in the primary school, it confused and upset me. It was one of the first times I’d had anyone tell me that I wasn’t aloud to play in the dress up area because I wasn’t a girl. They forced me to play with the boys. Even actually dragging me and forcing me to kick a football but instead I was just stood there looking in the other direction trying to figure out why I couldn’t play with the girls. I wanted to jump around the skipping rope, push the prams, play shop and dress up. My mum had complained to the teachers and told them if I wanted to play with the girls toys and play with the other girls then that’s what I should be aloud to do. No one ever said to me that it wasn’t normal to play and dress up like a girl apart from the teachers at that school.

If I went to my mum’s friend Julie’s house she would get out all her daughters play dresses out and let me dress up, even her husband didn’t find it strange that I wanted to dress in girls clothes. My favourite dress was this blue silk shiny Cinderella dress it was amazing, I felt so comfortable in it like a little princess. Maybe that’s why I want to be treated like a princess when it comes to guys, not in a spoilt way with constant flowers but just lil things like lots of cuddles and kisses. I’d rather have a cuddle then a sparkling diamond bracelet!

Not only did the teachers want me to play with the boys they also tried to split me and my best friend up Schovon I guess they didn’t like the fact that she was black and I was white. When I look back now it’s amazing how narrow minded society was back then and it’s not even that long ago. Schovon was just like any other girl to me I used to do everything with her. She was my only friend in Aldershot at that time and when she eventually had to move it was so upsetting. I bought her a little Polly pocket play set for her and she loved it. I’d love to know what she’s doing now it wouldn’t surprise me if she was a model as she was as beautiful as a kid.

As time went on the bullying got worse, it got to a point where I couldn’t wait to move to a new area just because I wanted to get away from all the horrible nasty judgmental people. We eventually moved to Brize Norton and one time there I had a brick thrown at my face by this girl’s brother just because he thought I was gay for playing with his sister.

We were playing on the swings at the park and she had to go back for her tea. She lived next door to me so we both went back together. There was a huge fence that separated her garden from ours. She climbed up and told me to climb up to so I did, her brother was playing in the garden with his friend and all of a sudden she turned on me. She started making fun of me, saying I was always insisted on being the girl in the games we played and that when it came to playing mums and dads I always wanted to be the mum. Her brother laughed and called me a puff and a gay boy she then started laughing and dared him to throw a brick at me so he picked a brick up and threw it right in my face, I fell from the fence onto the hard concrete ground and started crying and screaming. My mum ran out and started shouting at them and told me to throw the brick back. I didn’t it wasn’t in my nature to hurt someone else. The worse part was that I had school photos 2 days after and I ended up with a black n bruised eye in my picture.

When I look back at it to that day I always remember everything vividly about it I wish I’d have been stronger and braver and able to stand up for myself. I never understood the word gay. It always confused me. Gay I thought if you was gay it’s because you was a boy who fancied boys. I never thought of myself as gay.

I think this is why it took me a while to figure out that there was something different about me. I new something was different whenever my mum refused to let me grow my hair long and whenever I did start to grow my hair my mum would just shave it off. I used to scream and kick the house down, lock myself in my room. Shaving my hair was like cutting a limb off, it was torture. It makes me cringe to this day when I think about it. To me it was normal to want long blonde Barbie doll hair. Eventually I just went along with it until I left High School.

Then I finally had the choice to do what I wanted the first thing I did was grow my hair because I new I wanted to become a female. I wanted my own hair which would mean I’d have to grow it and I wasn’t aloud to grow it until I left school which is why I kept quiet. The reason I wanted long hair is because if I was to live as a woman id want to do it properly. No girl I’ve seen wears wigs so why would I? The only transsexuals you tend to see or hear about are the ones which have lived their life in denial and are so old that no matter what they do they will most likely not fit very well into society and as harsh as that sounds I really didn’t want to be like that which is why I wanted to do it young and have my own hair. I didn’t want to live my life in denial and be unhappy.

When you grow up with two sisters and don’t have a father figure to look up to. Everyone just thinks the reason why you want to play with the girls and their toys is because you’re surrounded by women when infact it’s just because that’s what I liked.

It wasn’t until I was at my sisters ex boyfriends sisters (whoa head blag) house warming party where I found out what a transsexual was. There was a card with a transsexual on it and all the husbands where saying she was beautiful and the wives were laughing and told them she used to be a man. That was when I found out what a transsexual was and realised that I was also one but never knew how to go about it because I was still too young.

I never new that you could take hormones to make you look more like a woman and that you could have surgery to have breasts and a vagina. If I had known how long the process was I would have come out sooner. In hindsight keeping things secret was a bad idea.

It was the start of a new chapter to come in my life and one that I wish never happened. the person I became once leaving school for 2 years before I came out as trans (Transsexual) in December 2006 was a person I don’t even recognise or want to remember and someone whom you’ll meet in my next chapter of ‘the girl in the pink dress’………

xxx

The Girl in the Pink Dress Column 4 is due on 1st May 2011.

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