Getting ready to leave high school was the one thing I always looked forward to.

Not only because I could start to transition

But the freedom and having your own voice was amazing.

No teachers to tell you what to do. Or give you detention.

Just pure freedom in the world.

But it wasn’t so sugar coated as I thought it would be.

I thought once id start college it would be a way for me to get to know the real me. A way for me to start my journey in small steps.

Step one was to grow my hair. One question I get asked a lot now is “is that a wig or not”. Well the truth is no my hair is not a wig. Naturally it’s very fine and reaches my boobs in length. But because I get influenced by the glamour models and the porn stars I wear tons of extensions to create that big wild look.

Growing my hair took just under two years. Pretty quick when you think about it. But the two years were ones I don’t like to remember. But I guess it’s time to go back to them years.

When I first started college I was happy because I had the goal set in my head. I was planning on coming out on my 18th birthday to my parents. The idea was to go get my hair bleached and come back with full on makeup and girls clothes and to just come out with the fact that I wanted to live my life as a girl.

But it didn’t quite work out like that.

As the months went on I really started to detest myself. I hated myself in high school but college I just thought I was a beast. I used to avoid mirrors no matter where I went. I couldn’t look in shop windows in case I saw myself. I felt really trapped and alone. I dreamt of wearing girls clothes but new it was too soon to wear them. So my fashion was based on lita an ex wrestler for the wwe but in a male way. So it was baggy pants and a t-shirt. I tried to be boyish but I just felt sick while trying to play that role. I used to look at every other girl on my course and think how lucky they were.

It got to a point where I started missing classes. I ended up just staying in my room and just slept the entire day. It was a way for me to just let my life carry on but also because I didn’t want to face the world any longer. I was hating the person I was becoming. It pissed my mum off so much because I was getting letters sent home asking why I was missing college so much but my mum couldn’t explain the situation because she herself didn’t understand what was wrong with me and why I was being the way I was. So I started pretending to get the bus when really I was hiding round the corner of the house and then snuck back in to say we finished early. Then if I did get any future notes I used to make sure I was the first at the door to get the letters and to rip them up and then go back to bed.

I became a prisoner in my own home and in my own head. It was the only choice I had. It felt so much better just being in my room and sleeping day and night then it did sitting downstairs with my family. Or seeing anyone else. I just wanted to be on my own.

The more I tried to keep my goal a secret the more depressed I became.

I don’t think you would understand depression unless you have experienced it. I used to look at people who were depressed and just laugh and wanting to tell them to get a grip.

But my god I wish I could take them thoughts back.

It’s like a disease eating at you. The constant anger and hatred I had towards myself was unbelievable.

I know this is random but I think this is why I really like Britney spears. I was going through depression the same time she was. So I felt I could relate a lot to her. I knew what she was going through.

I started to isolate myself from not only the world but my family.

I was skipping meals because I thought if I’d just stay in bed all day and night and wouldn’t eat then I’d probably just die in my sleep from starvation. I started getting really thin. People joke now by saying omg I’m shocked because you’re eating something. I laugh at them because I know it’s a joke but if they had seen how I was before I think they would see that them saying I don’t eat is kind of hurtful in a way

But not eating just didn’t work. It was not enough.

It got to the point where I had no choice but to try and kill myself.

I couldn’t take it any longer. I couldn’t stand the constant thoughts in my head. I wasn’t socializing with anyone and all I did was just cry in pain. I was really fragile. I felt like my whole world had come to an end. There was no point on carrying on. I felt useless. What was my life intended for? I felt like I was being punished for something I had no control over.

I was laying in the bath and looked at myself for about an hour in the mirror. Just wanting to tear my face off and die. I saw my razor and thought for a few minutes that I could end it now. I went to cut my wrists. For a moment i suddenly listened to my thoughts in my head for once.

I realized if I killed myself then I’d be happier because I wouldn’t have to hate myself anymore. But I’d be leaving so much more pain behind. Whereas if I was alive at least it would only be me I was hurting.

Rather than cutting my wrists I ended up just slashing my left arm. It wasn’t for sympathy but out of anger and hatred. For the first time I was focused on trying to stop myself from bleeding rather than live inside my head with my constant thoughts and questions of “why was I born this way” “why wasn’t I born a girl”. For two years id been living in my own little world and living in my own head. It was making me even crazier. Question after question. My arm was so cut and sore and it hurt but It just became a routine because I knew it was the only thing I could do to not feel crazy even though I was crazy for doing something so stupid and harming myself

I carried on self-harming for well over a year. I kept it hidden by wearing long sleeved tops all the time so no one could see.

It wasn’t a sympathy thing but it was the only way I could get out of my head. It was the only way to focus on something else other than my wrong gender.

It eventually got out and it was as I was getting out the bath. I had a towel wrapped round me. And my sister had seen my arm and told my mum. I was panicking and had to think of an excuse quickly. So i said It was from my dad’s girlfriends dog but I knew full well they knew the truth.

My mum just couldn’t cope any longer. It was destroying her and the family. So she took matters into her own hands by making an appointment for me to see the doctor. I refused to go. I wasn’t ready to come out yet. I was scared. I never in a million years thought I’d ever look good as a girl.

Because I didn’t go see the doctor my mum ended up going for me. She sat down with the doctor and told him everything I was doing. The self-harming, the depression, the isolation. As a doctor he was really concerned and had warned her that if I didn’t go to the next appointment that he had made then he would have no choice but to have me sectioned to Looney vile

My mum approached me and asked if I was gay. I just told her to fuck off and leave me alone. And went straight to my room. My relationship with my family at this point was non-existent. They had lost me for good and my mum was mourning a child that she lost because I wasn’t the child she knew anymore. I was a totally different person. And the depression hit me really quickly.

I then went to the doctors and told him I was depressed. I never said I wanted to be a girl but just said I hated myself. He then referred me to see a councillor. When I left the office I realized I should have just said there and then that I wanted to become a woman. So I ended up going back a few days later and told him this is what I wanted to do. I was scared at first that he would take judgement but he said he and my mum had an idea that this is what I wanted to do with my life. Especially because by then my hair was down to my shoulders and I was wearing foundation and mascara. He had then referred me to see a psychiatrist at Barnsley mental health as it was them who had to evaluate me in order for them to take the next step by referring me to see a psychologist at the gender clinic.

A lot of people at college had no idea the torment and torture I went through. My friend Kate said to me a while ago she wishes I could have told her. She was always nice to me. She just accepted me as I was and never questioned my sexuality, gender or anything I did. She just took me for me.

In December 2006 the truth had finally come out.

I was lying in bed when all of a sudden my mum burst through the door. She shouted at me to wake up and asked if I had taken my sisters pill. It had gone missing and they thought I’d taken it. They worked out that I wanted to be a girl just from talking to one another about my behaviour. My mum asked me “do you want to be a girl, if you do just tell me so we can sort it out”. I cried and said yes. Finally a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Why didn’t I say something sooner? What an idiot for hiding it for so long. Everything was going to be fine. It’s amazing how you fear something so much when all you have to do is ask for help and you get it.

Finally my secret was out and I no longer had to live my life in my head. I could finally focus on becoming the real me.

I went back to college a bit happier. And had to catch up a full two years’ work in as little as 4 months. I worked day n night to get my work in order just so I could pass my course and not feel like a failure just because id hidden myself away for so long through depression. I wasn’t going to let my gender get in the way of my future.

I had started experimenting with makeup. I was living two lives by January 2007. At home I was a girl. And at college for the last few months I was going as a boy. I hated it but just used to think that once I got home I could take the boys clothes off and put the girl’s clothes on.

When I left college in June 2007 it was another chapter to come in my life. I could finally go full time and be the girl I always wanted to be………

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